The trouble with Halloween

Now I know I’m going to make some enemies with this one, but just hear me out. There’s trouble with Halloween and I’m going to tell you all about it.

First of all, why do we celebrate the “eve” if we don’t even celebrate the day? Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, All Hallow’s Eve, and nothing. What’s that about? I know, Nov. 1 is All Saints’ Day and only certain cultures celebrate, but how can you only celebrate half a holiday? What’s the point of putting up all those decorations if you’re only celebrating for a day, or in reality, a few hours?

Which brings me to my next point: the decorations. Since when are cobwebs an accessory that we purposely put up? That will never make sense to me. They’re gross, they feel like slime and they usually mean danger. Why people put them all over their bushes, trees and houses is beyond me. That makes no sense. I mean if this is the trend, my house has been ready to go for months.

While we’re on the subject, spiders need to go also. Nothing needs that many legs. Nothing. Would you like to build a bird house for birds who don’t crawl into your house and bite you? Of course. Interested in building a feeder for squirrels who don’t make houses out of the corners of your walls? Be my guest. But purposely putting up spiderwebs, as if you’re just inviting them in, that’s a hard no.

Another big problem I have is the costumes. Kids wearing costumes on Oct. 30? Ridiculous. Kids wearing costumes on Oct. 31? Adorable. How does that even make sense? Riddle me that, Henry County. We can wear Christmas clothes for the whole month of December, it’s virtually an unspoken law to wear red, white and blue during the month of July but to wear a costume, that parents have to pay ridiculous amounts of money for, only one day a year? Silly.

I don’t see why we can’t just wear costumes the whole month in the name of celebrating. You decorate your house, why not decorate your life with a little fashion. Like I said, the costumes are crazy expensive these days, you need to get your money’s worth. Which brings me to my next point: costumes have gotten out of hand.

It is completely embarrassing to tell you how many times I was a cheerleader or baby sitter for Halloween just because my mom is a grade-school teacher and could get me a uniform to borrow or because I had two little sisters I could take with me to act as my accessories. But, I was a kid and I was wearing kid’s costumes. Now these kids are wearing so much makeup I can’t tell if they’re supposed to be Joan Rivers or a Disney princess. Hey, the hair, makeup and outfits are basically the same, the only difference is the attitude.

Then, once they’re all dressed up, they come to your house, knock on your door, and expect you to give them candy. Since when can you just go to people’s houses and just ask for stuff just because you got dressed up? I mean if this truly works, my neighbors better be ready because here I come. If they try to kick me out, I’ll just use the old, ‘it’s what the kids are doing these days’ excuse.

Then the other thing is, they show up with pillowcases for their loot. I mean, come on now, nobody needs that much candy. If this were my house, my dad would hit me with the “dad tax” at the end of the night, which was just his way of stealing all my Reese’s peanut butter cups. But seriously, the amount of candy these fools walk away with is absurd. I seriously think we need to consider changing national Dental Health Month from February to November for this reason.

Anyway, all I’m trying to say is that there’s trouble with Halloween, you guys. Yes, there’s a lot of fun, but also, I just don’t get the hype. That being said, I will absolutely be dressing up my dog as any good dog-parent would. She’s going to be the cutest old lady you ever did see.